WHAT’S CHRISTMAS WITHOUT THE GOVENATOR?!
Jingle All the Way is a terrible movie. Really…really bad. But for better or worse no self respecting person in the ’90s cared to see a thought provoking Sinbad rock it with Anakin Skywalker. Let’s break this jingle down.
First, it starred some of the worst actors you could cast. Even by today’s standards! Sinbad, you’re a one note joke. Arnold, there’s a reason your career was made by a cyborg. And little Anny Skywalky would later go on to ruin one of the most anticipated movie franchise returns ever. Second, the script largely focuses on the commercialism of Christmas. Now, I’m not an idiot. It’s satirical. But every joke that worked (and by “worked”, I mean didn’t die in a flaming pile of credit cards at the Mall of America) wasn’t about shopping. THE ONLY JOKE THAT WORKED WAS PHIL HARTMAN! Phil, Phil, Philly. We miss you buddy. But now you’re in a better place while Jingle All the Way will live forever in Christmas movie history.
I still watch this movie every holiday season.
*Deep breath* Okay, now that we’ve all agreed that Jingle All the way is more of a movie about Black Friday than Christmas…let’s check off some wins. The movie was a dud by critics and the box office. Even marketing for the movie with Turbo Man was a complete failure. But it was the 1990’s! Power Rangers ruled parent’s wallets and children’s imaginations while just being a piss poor show! And that was my favorite show as a kid! So I know! (…man that pink power ranger was hot though! Right?! RIGHT?!) Jingle All the Way fit into the time period and it worked itself into a ridiculous Christmas classic. But the world lacked finesse and smart comedy as a whole. The America Film Institute released a list of the Top 100 Comedies of all time somewhere around the year 2000. So rightfully so, every comedy from that horrible decade was up for the list. And with all the modern advances in technology and talent you’d think the newer the better right? WRONG! Out of eight decades of movies to choose from the 90’s earned just 3 of those spots. Why you ask? Because Power Rangers. Power Rangers.
Dr. Phil confession time: I still watch this movie every holiday season. And like most Christmas movies, it’s for nostalgic reasons. We all know it’s balls (no Arnold, you don’t want those balls…stick to chasing androgynous kids into indoor playgrounds) and we all know it’s a waste of time. But the important part is that we waste it together with friends and family. This year I watched it with my very preggo wife and about 10 other people. Did we enjoy this James Belushi Santa movie? Yes, yes we did.
I think I even saw a Mighty Duck in the background.
I’m a huge advocate for film as a whole (maybe not this one exactly). I make a few, write a few, produce a few, and watch a million. Even film history is important to me! Especially Christmas movie history. It’s amazing how one movie made generations ago can still bring today’s generation around a living room together. And that’s the real magic when people talk about “movie magic”. Being able to keep it alive for years to come.
Now, before I turn this post into something warm hearted and gooey I have to hit one more note. I moved with my wife a year ago to the Twin Cities. It’s pretty great here, I don’t know how long I’ll feel this way but for now it’s pretty cool. My son will be born here within a month’s time so it’ll always hold a special place in my heart. AWKWARD SEGUE! Jingle All the Way took place here in Minneapolis and St. Paul, Minnesota. All the mall scenes were at the famous Mall of America. I think I even saw a Mighty Duck in the background when Sinbad was throwing around a USPS bomb. (I don’t know where I’m going with this. I felt like I just had to mention it or my extremely hormonal wife will purple-nurple me in my sleep if I don’t. I love you babe!)
Hmm. This review needs some closure. How about “Hasta la vista, baby!” Or “Get to the choppa!” No? Okay okay okay. I got it. How about “I’m Mr. Universe and even I know I should never make another Christmas movie. Eva!” Yeah. Let’s go with that.
…also, really? Jingle All the Way 2? Really? And with Larry the Cable Guy? I’ve lost hope in humanity. Merry Christmas everybody!