Well, here we are in that awkward time in between Halloween and Thanksgiving where know-it-alls debate whether or not it’s too early to decorate/celebrate/go shopping for/poop on everyone’s Christmas spirit. For me, I’m in that awkward moment of “JUST MARRIED!” and “Oh, you’re being laid off…”
Seriously, I leave to get married and come back to news that this branch of the show they’re putting on hiatus. It’s no one’s fault, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be royally pissed off. Anyway, I’ve been trying to cheer myself up with anything Christmas. My wife (still feels weird saying “wife”….although sometimes she insists on being called “supreme queen of beauty” so I have that going for me) insists that we can’t decorate or even BEGIN to watch Christmas movies until Thanksgiving! Can you believe that?! And what’s worse is that she’s just as eager as I am! (This is the part where I make a frustration fist and shake it in the air. Then I realize that I haven’t gotten used to my wedding band yet and now my fingers hurt.)
So here I am finding a loop hole in her rules, 10 Things You Didn’t Know. Muah ha ha ha ha! And over what else than Home Alone. I love this movie, and no it’s not because of the obvious logic loop holes where any normal kid would call 911. And no it’s not because of the idiocy of the parents only realizing that their kid is missing half way across the Atlantic. It’s the spirit of the movie. John Williams, John Hughes, and Chris Columbus created a lively piece of film where a child learns independence, tolerance, and how to kick ass for a spoiled, yet neglected, rich kid. Oh yeah, those aren’t fists being thrown kids. Fighting is bad. However, Tetanus and third-degree burns are hilarious.
1. Gerry Bamman was so good at playing Uncle Frank he delivered one of my favorite quotes from Home Alone. “Look what you did you little jerk!”. That line was actually audio dubbed over. If you watch closely you can lip read “Hey mofo, you ever win a mass staring contest with 15 other people? Sheeeeiiiit.”
2. Fuller, the cousin who wets the bed after drinking too much 1990’s Pepsi, is in real life Macaulay Cuklin’s brother, Kieran Culkin. Kieran’s smile in the movie after sipping that delicious soda is in reality to their parents off camera. They promised him if he did a good job they will change his name to something normal…like Bob…or John.
3. Macaulay Culkin was so upset having to do scenes with Old Man Marley that he wrote it into his contract that if he were to do a sequel, Old Man Marley would not be involved. 20th Century Fox agreed and paired him instead with a homeless pigeon woman. That’s a trade up, right?
4. Catherine O’Hara, a staple in comedy, insisted that she should play every part in the movie herself. In the end she decided against it since Eddie Murphy already had dibs on that career killer.
5. Joe Pesci is not the type of professional to work with child actors. So to remedy this he treated Macaulay like any other adult man. By the end of filming Macaulay smoked two cigars a day, made love to his french on-set tutor, and grew pubes.
6. While John Candy famously improvised his entire story about leaving his son at a funeral home, he actually was drawing from his own past experiences. John Candy was born and raised by recently deceased people in rosy cheek makeup. He had no idea they were dead until he was 14.
7. Daniel Stern helped coin the term “Wet Bandits” due to his teenage run in with the law. He would break in to water parks all across the country and steal buckets of water. To this day no one knows why.
8. The ornaments that Marv actually step on are candy to avoid injury. However, the tarantula on his face was not candy. Daniel Stern learned that the hard way.
9. The evil furnace in the basement was real.
10. Macaulay Culkin took the role of “Kevin McCallister” because that’s what he called his penis. Ten year olds, am I right? No imagination.