Beethoven

Alright guys, I have to apologize about NMB activity this month. I flew to Vegas. I drove from Dallas, Texas to Lexington, Kentucky and back. And I spent a week in Houston. ALL FOR WORK. I’m a bit tired and am probably enjoying my alone time to the point of insanity right now. But guess what?!?! I spent my time wisely! Wait…I take that back. Productively? Nope, that’s not it. Nostalgically?

Yes, I watched Beethoven. I plead guilty. But if you’ve seen it, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Why is there a 1960’s Convertible Mustang in that town? They’re by no means rich! Who the hell had that car laying around? They obviously couldn’t afford that car with this movie’s budget!

What kind of pet store has a laser alarm? Did Goldfinger and Le Chiffre open a pet store together? If I were trying out for a part in Oceans 11, I would proudly tell the Casting Director that I starred in Beethoven. That’s a sure fire gig. Okay, fine. Major props to Oliver Platt and Stanley Tucci for suffering through this Kraft cheesy movie, (behind the dogs) being the best part about this extreme family too-friendly movie, and having larger careers than anyone else afterwards.

How do you train a St. Bernard puppy? Don’t quote me on this, but I believe those dogs become pretty enormous. I’ll have to do a little wiki-ing to make sure that’s true, but I’m pretty sure it is. So what this movie tells me is that they took a 3-5 month old puppy and just kept recording until it did exactly what the scene called for. If that meticulous of a job were offered to me, I would only do it for something along the lines of LOTR or Star Wars…not Beethoven.

Ha. They made a dick joke.

Really? You make and sell air fresheners? Okay, no problem. That’s a real job. Really? You’re the only figurehead in this company? Okay, perfectly plausible. Your company emblem is a giant nose? Who came up with that, Wishbone? (Did you see what I did there? It’s another famous dog, so I referenced…oh never mind.) That’s stupid. If I existed in this movie’s reality, I would kill you. Too drastic? I don’t think so. It’s a 90’s family film, there’s always a happy ending.

I liked their transition into updating the audience on Sparky. Some random guy emptied a giant trash can of 3 pieces of lettuce. Way to build those muscles! (Must be why he has a job at a salad restaurant emptying the trash 1 calorie at a time.)

“Alright writers, we need an evil villain for a dog movie. Any ideas?” “He shoots dogs!” “Perfect! Kids will love it!”

Is it just me, or was the evil veterinarian making Jell-O shots with comedically large syringes? On a side note, I just figured out how to spend my weekends.

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