I, Robot

I feel like the title to this movie is just an opening for a presidential speech. Maybe when the first Cyborg President takes office, this is how he’ll start his address. Or maybe we’ll just have another white president but his first name is “Robot”.

Sure, there are a few other recognizable faces in this movie but let’s face it. I, Robot is a Will Smith movie and I have no problem with that. Everyone looks badass when in slow motion, but somehow Will Smith corners that market. “Rawr, I’m a Hollywood Blockbuster movie star swinging a punch with my secret robot arm!” Boom. Instant box office smash.

In the underground highway chase scene, couldn’t the cops just check the clean-up robots for wreckage? Or I’m sure there’s security cameras somewhere. It’s the future and you’re in an enclosed highway, there have to be recording devices present somewhere. (By the way, I hope Chicago looks that clean in 20-ish years.)

There’s a few things that bother me. Number uno: Robots are taking our jobs. I’m not a surgeon, but I think that’s a recipe for severe economic distress. (Hey! Surgeons can be knowledgable in the economy!) Number second: What happened to the wind in the windy city? Or the cold weather? Or the comedy clubs? Or the crime level? Wouldn’t gangs re-wire their robots to look more thug-ish? Imagine NS-4’s and NS-5’s with grills and gold chains. Maybe a few initiation tattoos. Number three: Robots in general would make us lazy. I know for certain if I had one in my apartment right now, he would be doing my laundry. I would revert into a 10 year old and never do anything for myself again. Especially if there’s no jobs I can even get hired for anymore. Number quad: What’s the matter robot designers? No women robots? Okay, fine. There’s VIKI but she was the villain. Wait. I’m not going to fight this equality fight. Robot civil and gender liberty struggles would be hilarious to watch. Come on! Who wouldn’t want to watch a robot bra burning?

I will say this. Kids everywhere will hire robots to go buy them booze. Boom. Your move judicial system.

I find it hilarious that Will Smith movies, in general, are perfect for kids. But you never see him without a gun (or flying a jet or alien spaceship with guns). Hmm. Ponder on that one parents. And why is Will Smith the established July 4th weekend Box Office golden ticket? Sure, Independence Day. I get that. But I’ve never seen someone so unofficially but so strongly own one weekend in the calendar. I don’t even think Kim Kardashian got that much coverage on her pretend wedding day! Obama didn’t have that much popularity when elected president! Also, Hitler!

Guys, you’re not going to believe this but I just received angry tweets from Kim, Obama, and Hitler all disagreeing with me. Fortunately I just made up that statement so I know I’m safe from harm.

I like the three laws written in the story, they seem full proof. But is there a secret fourth law stating all robots know highly creative mixed martial arts? Do the designers live off of Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris video clips? Where are my robot Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Oh no! I can’t believe I just said! Now Michael Bay will find my blog and turn his alien Ninja Turtles into Chuck E. Cheese tin cans! I formally apologize to all human beings with any common sense for this upcoming catastrophe.


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