Did anyone actually expect anything out of this movie? Seriously, if you did let me know.
Let’s focus on the positives first, shall we? I liked the cast. Believable. Liam Neeson and Bradley Cooper played their parts well, but I say that because they always play these characters. Jessica Biel…not a great actress but believable enough as a career driven independent woman (mostly because she didn’t have to portray any real emotion other than determination). And I’m sorry Jessica, you don’t normally make the cut for my celebrity crushes but I really liked you as the female sex appeal in this movie. That doesn’t mean I will intentionally follow your career or dream about a crazy random run-in where I romance you off your feet, it’s more of a pat on the back. Patrick Wilson, I kind of feel like I’ve been sticking up for you since Watchmen. I love that movie and the level of success that you were able to achieve bringing one of the world’s most popular graphic novels to life…but you’ve kind of just been a pretty face in and out of summer blockbusters. HOWEVER, I really liked seeing you as the clean, smart, and naive CIA villain. Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson? Eh. Sharlto Copley? Great comic relief.
Hmm. Let me check my list. Did that. Did that. That one too. Oh! Did I mention I liked the gritty coloring of this movie? Well, I just did. Nice job post-production department. Let’s see. Nope, that’s it for the positives.
The script was stupid. Holes in it left and right. The editing didn’t always make sense. The audio was inconsistent between the live-recordings and the overdubs. The action sequences were way over the top, and I don’t mean Mission Impossible over the top, I mean over the top only because it’s Hollywood and they wanted to see how far they could keep your suspension of disbelief going. They repeated some of the same jokes which were a complete waste of time, not to mention lazy. The TV show references were either too short or too over the top. The movie had to end with the TV show narration to finish the story. I mean, come on guys! You can’t tell me no one noticed these things while you were shooting the movie!
I just figured out how to save this movie! Re-shoot everything exactly the same. But replace all the actors with 5-10 year olds. And then post it on Funny or Die. We’ll start a new genre and blow James Cameron’s box office records out of the water. Probably donate half of the money to the government. Fix unemployment. Bring back the food pyramid (sorry Michelle Obama). Make Pluto a planet again.
If the world is an equation, I think I just solved it. If you’re reading this and have some really high international influence, I’d like you to combine an Oscar and a Nobel Prize and award the first one to me.