It’s that season where my friend Pollen comes into town. I really hate that guy. Knocks on my door without notice, lets himself in with no idea of how long he’s staying, sleeps on my couch, eats all my food, promises he’ll clean up after himself, and finally when it’s all done and over with I find him sleeping at my friends place. WHY POLLEN! HOW DO I DEFRIEND YOU ON FACEBOOK?!?!
Every time he shows up I end up watching the same 5 old movies over and over with him. It never changes. Even thinking about the daylight hours flying by for these films brings flashbacks. But I have to give Pollen credit, he picked a good lot. Kinda.
The trick with sick day movies is that they need to be a careful balance of easy plots and not so boring that I can feel my eyelids deteriorating at the sight of them. What does that mean for me and my “pal”? Action. Not epic Lord of the Rings action, just some near mindless misses with death. Eh, maybe a few losers die a horrific death. Who cares? Pollen is drunk on DayQuil. Volcano fits…well enough. Tommy Lee Jones and a surprisingly cute Anne Heche battle a rising and unexpected volcano in L.A. while simultaneously defying certain laws of physics. I want to suffocate my “amigo’s” swollen throat with his snotty Kleenex for even owning Volcano on DVD. It’s a perfect I’m-bored-oh-look-I-found-Anne-Heche-being-scientific-with-a-basketball-and-predicting-volcanoes TV movie. Otherwise it’s trash. But then again, so is my “cohort’s” brain at this point.
I don’t know how I get sucked into this one. Maybe I secretly want to watch Tommy Lee Jones die from his written in extreme excess of macho-ness. But alas, the ending never changes no matter how much time I waste watching it.
4. Small Soldiers
My “chum” describes this movie as a child’s imagination reaching an R rating prior receiving the talk from his parents. He has a good point. They’re toys with state of the art military artificial intelligence chips in the back of their heads! And guess what?! They want to kill you…if you happen to side with the Gorgons. I kind of feel like this movie was blown way out of proportion. They’re still toys. Stomp on a few. Pick one up and throw it in your pool. They can’t climb the ladder, nor float! Wait! Wait! I got it. Take the lot of them to a pet store and throw them into an empty plastic window side kennel, and then seal the top with a cookie sheet. They’ll be trapped and provide the perfect living entertainment for all the orphan puppies to be adopted! Oh my god, I think I just solved a world issue. Where’s my Nobel Prize?!?
Good things about suffering threw my “sidekick’s” visit? Small Soldiers stars David Cross, Jay Mohr, Denis Leary, Kirsten Dunst, Father Fatherson, and the one and only Phil Hartman. And let’s face it, I’ll always be able to tap into my immature imagination. An hour ago I walked downstairs to fetch my mail and I realized I was singing “The Ants Go Marching One by One” except each word was “fart”. Why do I do those things? Why do I answer the door when my “comrade” knocks? Why can’t I just spray my apartment door with Zicam to deter his arrivals like a tamer Passover holiday?
3. Bruce Almighty
Number 3 is where I start to agree with my “associate”. Bruce Almighty has a very simple plot. What if a crazy wacky Jim Carrey obtained the powers of Morgan Freeman? I mean God…erhhmm. Easy enough. Absurd things happen. A joke about Jennifer Aniston’s boobs is said. I have no problem with this movie. I just don’t want to watch it on a regular occurrence! Sure, it has a bit of a message and it’s meant to make you think! But, really there’s nothing to it. A crazy comedian, Red after he was released from Shawshank, and the adorableness that is Jennifer Aniston. She’s like an older Zooey Deschanel. If you say you hate either one, then you’re just upset at how likable they are.
Come on! Really though! An annual viewing, sometimes bi-annual viewing of Bruce Almighty? You realize that’s…decadely…too often! (Eh, I went for it. You get the joke.) Why must my “buddy” torture me so?!? I just want to relax and enjoy something more substantial, like Barney’s Version or Fantastic Mr. Fox. Or re-watching Top Gear for the 9,938th time! (I’m hoping a banner and balloons will fall from the ceiling when I reach 10,000!) I could spend my nights wasting my time to my preference rather than someone else’s!
Okay, fine. I’ll give this one to my “acquaintance”. I do enjoy this movie every once in a while. Starring the once amazing and once relevant Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix, this movie held its own. Not to mention the little girl who stole every scene was the young Abigail Breslin. Who could have known that after defeating an alien invasion she would live to see the zombie apocalypse? Keep an eye on that one, she’ll continue to shine brighter than most of Hollywood’s stars. Signs was written and directed by a man who people used to applaud for, M. Night Shyamalan. The only applause he might receive now is when his career sits on the electric chair and his henceforth proclaimed dead.
Again, simple plot. SIMPLE ending. However incredibly entertaining when cupping your face waiting for a burst of ooze to come out. Well done “confidant”, well done. No! Don’t touch me! Use the Purell! Use the Purell!
1. Singin’ in the Rain
Now, you people who have no life will accuse me of stealing from Glee. I don’t care. Go enjoy your teeny bopper dramas while you figure out how the remote control ended up in your empty Ramen bowl. I actually and truthfully love this movie. I have a Singin’ in the Rain shower curtain. Wait! Why did you guys unsubscribe from NMB? Aww, come on! Alright, for those of you who have a better grip on your self esteem and don’t care what blogs people see you reading…here’s why this is such a great sick day (or any day!) movie. Is it simple? Yes. Is it wildly entertaining? Yes. Will it make you get out from under your 4 comforters and sing along? Yes! (It does for me anyway.)
This is why I always let my “mate” in! I suffer through his insensitive intrusions just to be reminded of why I love this movie so much! Oh my god! I think I just solved another world issue! WHERE’S MY NOBEL PRIZE?!??!?!