*YAWN* Wow. I’m tired. Hey, is that a motel stuck in the middle of nowhere? Does the only employee have a mustache? Have they kept the rooms the same since Psycho? Great! Sounds ideal!

Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale star in Vacancy, a misfit of a horror/thriller movie. I mean, it’s such a misfit…I expect it to join the Lost Boys in Neverland. Vacancy is the kid in the playground trying to smoke cigarettes by the steps hoping to look cool, while slowly committing suicide by nicotine. Vacancy is the market salesman who screams of fraudulent merchandise, not to mention the paint on the jewelry is rubbing off on his hands when he displays it for you. Vacancy is the tasteless Twilight book series sitting in the immaculate library from Beauty and the Beast or is the first sacrificed tinder in The Day After Tomorrow in the New York Public Library. Vacancy is…not the best movie.

Let’s hit the positives. It’s an adrenaline movie that might make you jump out of your La-Z-Boy. It stars two respectable actors who I’ve always enjoyed. The marital relationship provides an actual character arch. The harsh lighting provides a fun thriller-noir look. And best of all, Vacancy requires very little suspension of disbelief. And let me tell ya…DING…(that was me spitting dip into a bucket in a wild west saloon atmosphere)…I loved all of those qualities. Negatives you ask? Have you read my elaborate paragraph drawing parallels between Vacancy and other random things throughout both fictional and non-fictional worlds? Okay, okay. Fair is fair. I tend to give every viewing pleasure a dose of my endless optimism. And apparently what I stated above wasn’t enough.

The set designs were perfect. 1960’s yet aged to the 21st century. The world around the Pine-Wood Motel made logical sense. Most slasher movies you wonder why the killer is toying with the victims, because someone usually gets away. The Pine-Wood Motel was actually a snuff film business. Who would have thought to bring economical sense into a place like that? And for those who have a difficult time with scary movies, this one was predictable. One of the rules of a Hollywood level film is that every scene is important. Which in turn means they would never introduce a needless and extraneous character. Knowing that simple truth allows you to NOT be scared. (Not to mention many many slasher movies have involved motels, and the owner is never innocent.)

I wonder what kind of Yelp reviews the Pine-Wood Motel has? Do any guests live? MAYBE THATS THE REAL REASON FOR THE SNUFF BUSINESS! THEY DON’T WANT TO LOSE THEIR….shining…reputation. Nope, scratch that idea. Didn’t make sense after I finished my thought. Hmm. Wow. This post lost it’s momentum. Umm. All-righty…well…that’s all I got you guys tonight. Stay…alive? (Come on, give me credit for sending you some kind good-wishes.)


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