Top 5 T-Rexes

Dinosaurs. Your imagination soaring yet? It should be. Just the prompt provides an endless well of ideas and dreams…and maybe a few nightmares. But the daddy of all dinosaurs is the Tyrannosaurus Rex (or the T-Rex for those of you who read this blog but haven’t stopped wearing Pull-Ups). We love them so much, they’ve become one of the most reoccurring characters ever! Probably…

5. Night at the Museum – Rexy

One of the most popular dreamed sequences is the idea of having a pet T-Rex. Throw a bone, watch him stampede through buildings. I see no downside to this idea. Except for the whole feeding and taking care of him part. WAIT! I GOT IT! What if I go out to PetSmart and buy a dead T-Rex! I love it!

Night at the Museum is a great family movie. Just is. No debate necessary. Ben Stiller is the new night guard on duty at the Museum of Natural History, and guess what? Nope you’re wrong. You’ll never see it coming. All of the exhibits come to life! And right inside the front doors stands a complete skeleton of a ferocious Tyrannosaurus Rex. As the frightened Stiller finds out, “Rexy” is just a gigantic puppy. If you neither laughed nor awed when that fact came to light, you have no soul.

So yeah, all the benefits of a T-Rex and no negatives. Rexy makes #5. Congrats Rexy. If I handed out trophies I’d make yours smoked flavored.

4. Toy Story – Rex

Is it just me or do people have a hard time naming their TyranoRex characters anything creative? Even with that hard hitting fact, Pixar has no problem being creative with any other criteria. The Toy Story Trilogy holds several important leaps in the living and evolving life of film history. For example: Toy Story was the first movie to ever be completely computer generated. It was nominated and accepted into a large handful of AFI’s Top 100 lists. And Toy Story 3 is the highest grossing animated movie to date. Saying all that makes me feel well justified that Rex made it to slot #4. You go Rex!

Immortally voiced by Wallace Shawn, Rex holds a certain spot in all our sappy hearts. Usually when I hear his voice, I have flashbacks to The Princess Bride (for those Pull-Ups readers, it’s a 1987 comedy that will stand on its own two feet for decades to come) (What do you mean it’s an ancient movie?!? Maybe you’re just a wittle baby! Did you ever think of that!). But I have to agree with Pixar in their immaculate choice in a voice actor. Although we may not always remember his name, his charismatic voice is hilarious coming out of any mouth. We’ll always love that scaredy cat plastic toy who’s biggest goal is to be a scary dinosaur.

3. Dinosaurs – Earl Sinclair

Here’s where I may receive a bit of scrutiny for this Top 5 list. Technically, Earl Sinclair is a Megalosaurus and his best friend Roy Hess is a Tyrannosaurus Rex…and each come from different periods. But come on, really? If a real scientist came up to me trying to explain the differences in the prehistoric periods, I’m would kick him in the right testicle (if it were a woman, I’d tell her she’s fat and then kick her in the boob). The Evolutionary Theory is still a theory. The only real proof would be to rewind time. I spent several years writing psychology papers and I know firsthand that research “facts” are just observed opinions. And opinions are always changing. So let’s be grownups about it and realize it’s a sitcom and he might as well be a T-Rex.

Dinosaurs came from the lucrative brain of Jim Henson hitting the TV screen in 1991. Yeah, I know! It’s Jim Henson mofos! I used to watch this show when I was a kid and hope to find it on Netflix soon. But that’s all in Disney’s hands. Either way, all you really need to know is that it’s a typical sitcom set in 63,000,003 BC. (For you faithful Pull-Ups wearers, you’ll know it as BCE. I hate self righteous scientists and historians who want to change things for no real reason.) Oh, and every character is essentially a larger than human-sized puppet. What a great and absurd idea. Somebody tell me where Henson’s grave is so I can give his tombstone a high five.

2. King Kong – Fighting T-Rexes

First and foremost! Have you seen the original 1933 version?!? Because I’m including that Tyranosoaring Rex! You may be one of those casual movie watchers who doesn’t want to get into something as archaic as the 1930’s, but I still say give it a whirl. It still entertains! And major props to Peter Jackson for loving the original more than John Guillermin! (He’s the 1976 King Kong Director who decided to make a disgusting movie.) Peter Jackson remade King Kong and gave him all the deserved glory his story earned over time. Oh! And he gave the 1933 T-Rex some major plastic surgery and steroids pumping up the intimidation factor in the 2005 fight scene! And if you haven’t heard…1933 had a single T-Rex while Peter Jackson bumped it up to a trio. Yeah. Interested yet?

While the past three winners are just characters in a dinosaur body, this winner pulls out all the stops in what we’ve really been waiting to see: carnage. And in addition, the fight scene is super relatable by us as viewers. Here’s why, women can easily relate to wanting a knight in shining armor. In this case it’s a giant gorilla but close enough. He is fighting all three just to save her life. And men? We want to be that muscle. We want to be in that fight. We want to be the damsel’s hero. It’s just sad that these tres Rexes are only in a single segment of this 3 hour and 7 minute movie.

1. Jurassic Park – Tyranny Rex

Okay, fine. He’s not really named “Tyranny”. But I think it fits. (And I love this picture). This magnificent T-Rex wins hands down. Jurassic Park is a great movie. And when the main villain comes at you through a dead electric fence, stares at you through a car window, and flips the car with you in it…at that point you start sharting your pants. (For you readers who both wear bifocals and old person Pull-Ups, sharting is both farting and releasing a little brown. Or orange. Depends if you had as much jello as I had that one night.)

But there’s an awesome twist in this dinosaur! Yes, he wants to eat you. But he’s also the King of all hunters on that island. So in the end when he saves the stars of this epic story, he’s the hero. Yes, Tyranny Rex is the hero. And that’s just the first Jurassic Park! The second, although not as awesome as the prior, pulls a King Kong move and the T-Rex gets loose in California. You start to care for them a lot more in the sequel. I love it when a script is written well enough you empathize with evil. But a word of advice, please don’t see Jurassic Park III. Please. T-Rex dies, and not in a dignified or epic way. It’s really pathetic…as was the entire story. Stick with the original. Fall in love with the audio mixing they did to create the unique purring and screaming growl of Spielberg’s T-Rex. Then sit back and watch a truly terrorizing story about loose dinosaurs, all jesters though in the court of T-Rex.

The winner is…the T-Rex! Wait…this seems fixed.

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