There’s something extremely devious and tempting about a sexy villainess. And don’t be fooled by the –ess part. In some ways they’re more dangerous. Us men, even though we’ll deny it, are weak to the feminine form. One hair flip from the right girl and we’re zombies with a libido. The secret, my bros, is to stare from far far away…to avoid things like total submission…or death.
5. Dr. Evil’s Fembots
If I use my smarts, I’ll recognize that 5 nearly identical beautiful women approaching me will be a tad suspicious. Who also have giant hair…and are wearing sexy fuzzies…while all speaking the same remarks simultaneously. Hmm, yeah…I’m pretty sure I’d catch on.
Fortunately for me, out of all women…blondes don’t seem to be my type. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty I have/have had crushes on. But when it’s date time and we’re seeing how well our chemistry sparks…it’s usually a dud. Kind of like a cheap firework building a big hype and letting everyone’s hopes down. Darn you poorly packed explosives!
There’s something bothering me. How do those Fembots aim their jubblies? *Sigh* I guess I’ll just chalk this one up to the ever growing list of abilities women have that I don’t understand. Every time I go to Starbucks, I think two things. 1) Why am I in Starbucks? I don’t drink coffee. 2) What if I run into some Fembots? Will I be able to resist their assassination techniques? Of course, all of this is assuming that the genius engineer behind Dr. Evil’s brilliant plan is still alive. I’m pretty confident he’d have fallen victim to his own creations. Maybe he kept a journal. And Dr. Evil hired eunuchs.
4. The Devil
Yes, The Devil. She’ll torture you in every conceivable way imagined by you, and then a few more by her. And her curves and British accent are not the traits you expected from the ruler of Hell. (It also doesn’t hurt that I have a crush on the Elizabeth Hurley of the 90’s! What a great human appearance choice by Satan!) The Devil is kind of like a pedophile. Wait, bare with me. The pedophile will appeal to the kid as an innocent man or someone who could look like your daddy’s friend. Offer candy. And it’s not till after you agree that you realize the deal was a sham. The Devil will offer a better life. Wishes. Twist your words. And own your soul. That sounds like a pretty bad day to me.
And the candy! It’s so appealing! Uh…I mean wishes. The wishes are so appealing! Who doesn’t want a genie of some sort? I already have my 3 wishes lined up, and with careful wording! But The Devil offers 7 wishes. So much more tempting!
Back up to the first analogy. No, not the genie one. The pedophile one. If Hurley lookin’ Devil tried to lure me into a van for sex, I’d have to say that’s pretty tempting. I wouldn’t do it though. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I would never cheat on. (Boyfriend points?) But I’d be lying, and crazy, if I said I wasn’t tempted.
3. Harley Quinn
At this point you might be thinking to yourself “What? Harley Quinn? If you’re going to choose any Batman villainess it should be Poison Ivy. Or Catwoman. Or The Riddler.” Hey now! Stay on track! We’re talking sexy and females. The Riddler is neither. Unless you have some sort of fetish with Jim Carrey and red hair. The problem is I can’t look at Poison Ivy without thinking of Uma Thurman’s extravagant getup. There’s no appeal in that. Catwoman walks the fence of bad and good. And if Catwoman approached me looking like Anne Hathaway, the LEAST I’m going to do is talk to her. Hmm, but I am more of a dog person…
Harley Quinn has left Batman a few scrapes and bruises. I would have no chance throwing punches at her. Not to mention she’s the love interest of one of the most insidious villains of all stories, Joker. If Joker has an interest in her, I’m going to play it safe. Let’s be real. If Harley is trained in the field of Psychoanalysis, she’s both smart enough to duke it out with any threat she deems a target and she’s crazy enough to light her own hair on fire to reach her goals. (I don’t like Freud.) And if you add it all up, she’s got brains, brawn, and major sex appeal. I’m sold. Give me some binoculars and a Kevlar vest. I’ll be fine.
2. Elle Bishop
You remember watching those Animal Planet videos of the Praying Mantis? And you get to the part where the female mates with the male…and then the female eats the male? Sometimes before she’s even finished her first task? Yeah. That’s Elle Bishop. She’ll seduce you with her “innocent” act, get what she wants, and fry you with her electric blasts from her hands. I’d fall for it.
Her father, Bob Bishop, is the head of The Company (Heroes from NBC). And in his infinite wisdom, he put his little daughter through a long smattering array of “testing”. As a result, she’s quite mentally unstable. But somehow she pulls her sanity together to flash you a smile and lure you within striking distance. Oh! And I forgot one detail. She eventually became the love interest of Sylar. (If you’re a fan of Arrested Development, you’ll appreciate this) That’s a “NO TOUCHING!” situation. But I can admire from afar!
1. T-X Terminator
And the winner is…DING DING DING…kind of a huge upgrade from number 5! If I approached you and named any one of these five villainesses as your killer…you’d be most scared of T-X. There’s something inherently scary about hearing a Terminator is after you. A battle with 2-5 would be a battle of smarts. A battle, or should I say a runaway, with a T-X Terminator is a luck driven journey. When the Terminator saw the billboard and enlarged her future jubblies, it caught my attention! What’s scarier than a nearly unstoppable future cyborg hunting you? Who’s sexy? I have a small fear of heights. And E.T. But that’s a different story!
It’s just a bummer though that this particular villainess wants the destruction of the entire human race. And to think! We really could have hit it off. Maybe push some political boundaries we’ve yet to address. Cyborg and Human marriage. And the racism towards our potential children would be devastating to their self esteem development. It’ll be okay. I’ll talk their nerves down every day after school as the wife WD-40s their hair.
With a far enough distance, this would be every guy’s #1 choice in their peeping tomfoolery. If T-X wasn’t after me, I’d watch her…do cyborg things. That sounds dirty but it’s not meant to be. I just don’t know what Terminators do after they finish their objective. Have a drink? Play strip poker? I’m in!