When the subject of “celebrity crushes” comes up on the many phone calls between myself and my girlfriend, I ask her to name her Top 5 male celebrities she would/might/could leave me for. (Obviously joking while trying to probe her thoughts a bit.) She comes back at me with a list of 10 guys. 10! And you know what she starts doing? Remembering other guys she forgot about! The list starts getting longer while she sits there and tries to figure out who else she would/might/could leave me for!
5. Rupert Grint
Is the idea of waving a wand around romantic or something? If that’s true, why can’t I start running around with the leg I broke off of some rocking chair from Sears? Would that make me sexier? And I’m not too sure any girl wants to brag she’s dating Ron Weasley. “Yeah, you remember the bumbling red-head sidekick in Harry Potter all those years ago? That’s my boyfriend.” I just don’t see those words ever being said aloud by any woman. Ever.
Okay, so I may be too hard on Rupert. I actually hope the guy gets better movie roles and jumps out of his typecast really quick. He might have an awesome blockbuster future. And as far as the Harry Potter Trio…he seems like the one who will go farthest. Emma Watson, the world knows how cute and adorable you are but you’re digging a ditch into a modeling career. And Daniel Radcliffe, I like you. I think you’re a cool guy. But if I’m being honest, I think you’re in a closet with a window where everyone can see in.
Maybe it’s just process of elimination. The girls pick Rupert because they know Ron Weasley so well after 10 years while Harry is letting one too many chest hairs spring out his v-neck.
4. Hayden Christenson
The only and biggest worth that came out of this guy’s career was playing Anakin Skywalker. And the unanimous vote is that he shouldn’t have been casted. He’s a no talent hack who lives in indie movies because less people have to put up with him there. And if the female gender of our species finds that guy attractive, please just reconsider. I wouldn’t be surprised to see that exact smile on the right watching Hoarders on A&E.
I get that Anakin was supposed to be a whiney little brat who missed his mom. I do. That was a character trait. But you played it too well dude. And starring in Jumper must have been a ‘stars aligning’ moment. Your on screen love interest, and then real life love interest, Rachel Bilson was a perfect choice. You both have equal levels in acting talent. And when I say equal, I mean adding your talent together equals less than Stone Cold Steve Austin’s. No, I shouldn’t say that. It’s an insult to Steve. Sorry Steve.
Hmm. If Hayden’s voice would leave puberty, his acting would fit in nicely at WWE. I know for a fact my girlfriend wouldn’t give Hayden her time just to watch him juice up and pretend to crack skulls. Do it Hayden! That’s your next career move!
3. Jason Segel
I’m lying of course. I wouldn’t subject my movie collection to that sort of abuse. Also, I’m lying about Jason. He’s a really cool guy. If you’ve never laughed watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall or How I Met Your Mother, you have no soul. And if you happen to have no soul in the first place, I better contact Jason and tell him his demographic is wider than expected!
Have you even realized what this guy is behind that’s coming out later this year? I’ll give you a teeny hint. MUPPETS! I never tire of the Muppets. There’s something about well crafted puppets and a brilliant family-styled script that always captures the imagination. I don’t care how old you are. When I say always, I mean always. And if you’re one of those self-involved and opinionated dicks reading this and disagreeing, you’re a bitter person. Chili’s should require a certain level of brain activity for admittance, and sadly you wouldn’t qualify.
You know, I wouldn’t be that upset if my girlfriend left me for Jason. She’d have unlimited access to Gonzo and his crazy antics.
2. Topher Grace
There’s something about Topher that just leaves me in a dilemma. I don’t know what it is about you, Topher. I used to love That 70’s Show. Then I got burnt out. (Pun! Nobobdy?) I hated Spider-Man 3. That may not be your fault but one of my fingers is blaming you. And your career? You know what I enjoyed you most in? Ocean’s Eleven. That may only be because you were only in it for 2 minutes. And because you were playing yourself as a mindless Hollywood actor. But you played it well. Everything else…it’s just not worth any attention.
I’ll admit, maybe you deserve more of a chance. I’ll consider going through your filmography and adding it to my Netflix queue. But as it stands right now, I think you’re a loser. I even feel sorry for whoever the tabloids says you’re dating. And I really hope it’s not my girlfriend on that tabloid. I might have to kill you. Or beat you until you spit-up Kool-Aid. I don’t know why but I see you screaming for red Kool-Aid at some minimum wage high school drop out working at a grocery store to support his Xbox LIVE habits. So, yeah. Be threatened.
1. Zach Braff
I can’t do it. I like Zach Braff. My girlfriend has great taste (with the exception of the losers above). I mean, come on. She chose me didn’t she?
Scrubs? Amazing. It is easy to burn yourself out after the number of times I’ve watched that show. But still a great show. And as far as your movie career? I think you make a great indie actor. And when you need to, you become that goofy guy that everyone loves to see on screen. In the actual Hollywood blockbusters? I think you could make a great supporting actor. No offense, but you’d have to endure some Thor/Chris Hemsworth diet to get out of your goofy nice guy persona.
Reading this post title, you’d think my ego would be bruised and I would take it out on these guys fists swinging…at my keyboard. But you’d be wrong. Because I know these are just crushes, this post was more of an ego boost. And at this point I pat myself on the back, and leave you readers to imagine my elegant voice singing Another One Bites The Dust.